The Love and providence of God is so far beyond our own comprehension, there’s no grasping its reach.
Last year, I had tried to move to San Francisco. The doors closed, timing was off, it wasn’t going through. I was sad, but moved forwards. I’ve been pining for a family: children, a home to hang plants, a husband to make coffee for, and all packed and ready to go travel the world. I crave my adventurous family.
Then I met a guy. We talked about our mutual love of California, deeming it an ideal place to live in the states. He had been offered a job with Tesla a few years ago, but the timing was off. He moved forwards. I started praying that California would open again to us. A few weeks after my prayers began, Tesla called him again.
He has a job with Tesla. Silicon Valley. California. I have a potential in San Francisco.
My spirit has leapt with joy through this whole process. The job market for me is also opening itself wide. When doubt would seep in, God would gently say “When you doubt, when you can’t see: trust me. Follow my lead. Follow the path I’m laying. I in you, you in me. I am always with you.” So I would watch in awe as the path to California was laid before me.
Then trouble hit, in a blow. The doubts and fears played a coup d’etat on my heart. Did I really love this guy? Didn’t I? What if he doesn’t want to be a missionary? What if life is too boring? What if I’m stuck in California forever? Am I trading in my precious freedom and youth for a life of domestic servitude??!!
Aren’t I supposed to be WITH a missionary? AREN’T I SUPPOSED TO BE A MISSIONARY??
I’ve spent a few tortured days agonizing over this existential crisis. What is the right move? Where do I go? Do I give up a relationship because I can’t see where I’ll be living in 10 years? Didn’t God just answer my prayers with incredible haste?!
Then I sat back, closed my eyes, and listened. There was God, in the eye of chaos, saying “Trust. Let me lead you.” That moment I received a phone call for a job starting ASAP in San Francisco.
Never trust your heart: it is a wicked, deceitful thing. Never rely solely on the words of your loved ones, never rely solely on yourself. Rely on Jesus, on His wisdom and His guidance.
The trajectory of my life seems like chaos in the moment, but in hindsight it is a miracle. Let me walk you through it.
-FRANCE 2012-14: learning much about what i want in life, and gained skills in social media marketing. Feel strange pull for China.
-STATES 2014: find small job at marketing company
-COLORADO 2015: led to Colorado, find nanny job, that is also marketing job. Try to go to China. Fail.
-TEXAS 2015-2016: Pushed by circumstances back to Texas, nannying for friends of family in Colorado, try to go many places. Aim for California. Fail.
-NY 2016-2017: Pushed by circumstances to NYC, find new nanny job, meet Chinese bf who lives in Michigan.
-INDIANA 2017: pushed by circumstances to Indiana, much closer to bf. California opens up again. nanny job, new marketing freelance work.
-CALIFORNIA 2017: not pushed, but guided to California, nannying for extended family of the family in Indiana, marketing side-job.
He knows how much my heart has longed for California. He knows how much my heart has cried for China. He knows how much my heart yearns for babies and puppies and a husbands arms. I have a Chinese boyfriend that regularly goes back to China, is moving to California with an awesome job, so we can have babies and puppies one day, and travel when possible.
This is not me saying I have found the answers in my life: I still have no idea if this guy is a good fit.
I am not a reliable source of security, wisdom, or great choices. I mostly screw things up and pray for ways to fix them. I have no assurance that this relationship will last until death do us part. I have no magic words to make it all clear. Even if the person in my life now isn’t the person in my life a year from now, there is no doubt that God is guiding my life.
When I remove my fickle emotions, I see the hand of God painting a masterpiece, and I am in awe. In the mornings when the birds are singing, I think of the wondrous works of the Lord. I know it is the Love Song of a God, who loves me enough to bring me to the all the right places in the right times, for reasons beyond myself.
I trust at the end of my life, you will hear the echo of the Love Songs God sang over it, as he worked a masterpiece.